Squid's Ward
by diesir
Summary: Destripton: Happy Valentines in Bikini Bottum! Be wary as things can frisky! As things go on things get more involved, if you get sad then be cautious and love life. Strong language and sexual strikes yet again? So why DOES he live in a pineapple? Maybe we'll find out. Will Squidward fine love? I asked my brother Al to help me with the story to make a poignant message, did it work


_Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?_

Spongebob woke up sunny morning. The greatest frycook in the work decided to pester Squid Ward again today, so he went out of his home into his stony cold interior. "Squid Ward open up its' time for your daily pestering!" he said everly cherrfully. A massive groan bellowed in agony as voice of Old Man Squid Ward reverberted from within the stony walls. "Oh no, Squidword needs my halp! Spongebob say as he jump up the window.  
Thru the window he sees not Squid Warb are he was meant to be seen but his tentacles holding what appeared to be a far smaller tenacle squjirting ill-colored ink.

"Hiii, Squid Ward! Happy Valentime's Say! Whatcha dot there?  
Squid Ward made a noise lik e a clarinette by his nose that snorted in sunrise and wentr to cover his tentacles.

"Spongebob, bananarbehba!" (his noise like a clarinete when upset)

"Oooh, I think it likes me!" says Spongebob "What kind of barnicle"

"SpongeBOB! THIS, is NOT a barnicle! Jeez Lueiz, do you even know what a BARNICLE is?!"

Spongeboob had think about it but really don't knows. Squid sighs.

"Look kid, you also clearly does not know what even ValentiNe's Day is."

"I do too!" said SpongeBob; "Valentimes Days It's a day where you share the love to someone you care about! I discovered it on this card!"

Squidward ingulged and lifted the card. "Barnicles are red, jellies are blue..." he flipped "...and so are you. Get a lovelife! Brought to you by Plankton Industries, 'Make Me Rich So I Can Get Crabs You Filthy Baracuda Vermin' Quaint."

"So I wanted to proclaim my love to you!" Spongebob eyes light like a fire. Squirdward shruged and rubbed his temple.

"Look kid I'm too old for you anyway, blus you don't get what the love is, AND it's Valentine's! I auggest you just go hold hands with PatRick and 'jelly-fish'.

"Oh..." SpongeBob's eyes grassed (since hes in water, I never got that since I never saw the show), and Squidward got worries.

"oh-Oh? I shound not care, but what is it about Patrick?! You can tell Old Man SquidWard...?"

"Oh! It's not that man, the jellies are gone this season! And hello to Squidard's barnicle!"

Squidwarp looks down and sees a quite surprise as he pulled away from Spongebob to get some ice.

"It's not a barnicle! And get out of my house!"

"Aww, but I wanted to play with the barnicle!"

"You can't, it's my barnicle!"

"So it is a barnicle!"

=_=;

Squidward has had enough of the temptation and mind games, so he kindly tossed Spongebob onto the window and out the door.

The nextdoor rock open and the pink seastar with briefs munched on roasted algae today, and spongebob was on top. "Hi SpongeBob."

"Hi Patrick, what is Valentines Day and why Squidward so lonely?"

"Oh Spongebob, Squidward is lonely because he hates women and Velentines day is for man and woman who are difference."

"But Squidward hates everyone."

"Good point, maybe we can get him to be more open to liking girls."

"Eh?" Spongebob's interest was piqued since his best friend always had the best remedies."

"Yessirree, just dress up like a girl and if he likes you then hes ready to expansion the horizons!"

"Wow Patrick, you're the greatest at ideas, let's ready."

So Sponebob dressed up like a tal voluptuous women with a hankering for some steamy barnicle. Mr Krabs went up to him,  
"Well hello there Milady, you're won prettest lady of the month to walk in, although that's not a hard one. want a crabby patty on the house? Although our chief frycook is late today, now where can he be". But Spongebob ignored him and focused 'her' attentions on one Mr. Squid Ward at the front desk."

"Hey handsome."

"Hey."

"Happy Valentimes! Want a chocolae- but then Spongebob noticed the chocolate man in the corner which threatened to rage at him scarily once again so he changed the supject- Hows your date?"

"It's a day. Are you going to order, and why Valen Times and such is that your voice sounds familial?"

"Oh no reason, I am just a sweet girl with hot buns looking to find a man to make happy today." Spongebob waved 'her' hot buns at Squidward.

"Uhuh, look lady if you don't cut it out I'm going to ask you to leave since I fell uncomfortible,"

"Oh, uh... I'll just have a milk shake then."

"Take this milkshake and leave me alone."

So SpongeBob the 'lady' sucked on her straw in an unintentially sebulba way and sat cross-legged near the widow. Custromers would have notticed the patties not being there but 'her' visage was enough to catch their attention. Plankton noticed this and went inside 'her' brain to direct silently to plan to led them at his store.

"Yknow boy, she's good for business. I bet you'd be a fine match." Krabs nudged Squidward.

"Please." He walked over to leave the room for a moment to take a shit.

Krabs' face was unreadable - literally, he painfully read Squidward like an open book unless it came to these matters, but nothing would make him happy so he went off being ultimately illiterative.

Plankton was ready - he moved spongebob up and about the leave door when he made 'she' trip facehard which messed up 'her' feminine qualities. Anon to everyon,  
Pankton was nocked unconscience inside 'her' mind to mind control another day. Everyone gasped when spongebob got up, who was hit so hard it change form.  
This was not a tall veloptuous women, but rather a grown handsome muscular and suave Fabioman!

"-And Happy Valentines Day to you, too!" Squidward say when he return and he hoped over the desk and into spongebobs arms. "You won bestlooking male on the store,  
your reward is my place, say eight or...now?" The slimy Squid scooped up his prize and went to work running for the hills to his home. Everyone was confused but thought innocent things since its a childrens show.

"Dud looks like a laddy" he musterd as he thought about closed shop for the day.

_Absorbent and yellow and porus is he_

"This is is my home, Squidard say as he placed He-Man SpongeBob on the bed. "I'm uh good at the arts!" he says as he paint SponeBob like one of his frentch models,  
little does he know Plankton is still in his headand is uncuntious but his hand move the lever to pleasure model.

"Hey now, bananarbehba!" (he wasnt upset just flusteredshy so he sound like a clarinet again to he played his instrument to cover it up.)

"Let my snow you my 'real'instrumental." Squidward said as he unzipped his shirt.

"Tentacles...?" He-ManBob did a X between a sheik and a growl and wanted to hop on it but Squidard stoped him. "Whoa, Nancypants, only rubbers on this here barnicle."

Plankton dropped out of one of Bob's holes. "Ah here it is, thatll will do nicely! Then Squidward wore Plankton as a Condom "It's a perfect fit!"  
Then the camera zoomed in you know like those gross out moments in episodes when SpongeBob tires to be avant gard but fails.

Swidward dropped his clothing and went at it. He felt around with his soft squishy tentacles around his cushiony crusty esophagus.

The rest of the foggiest mourning was a blueblurr but the mindscrew of this moment made the manchine in his brain self-destruct in his dreams, regaining his identity in his sleep.

After the nap...

"gawn, wake up my beaity, by the ways I never got your nam"

The figure turn groggily in the sheets and hogged it, convufing Squidward hitback!

"Hey its my blankie, anywon are you readdy for round 2?"

Spongebob turn aroundit was SpongeBob in normal curves not Bob the HeMan Fabioperson like Squidward when he plastick surgery.

"Sponge Bob, bananarberlhiba!" Squidard broke. His nose suckled in and out and headdy deflates.

"Squidward, what is the problem?"

"SpongeBob, you were...~!"

"Yes, I looked like a laddy."

Squidward ejaculated.

"But but but butbutubtubtubtubtBUT! Do you habe any isea what happen this morning?"

Now SpongeBob wasnt the brightest cigar pack, but the machine in his head made him do things he does not is broken and he lacks the memoir to go with it, and was none the wizeman.

"Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnope! Tell me!"

Squidway had dynamite in his mind which exploded his sanity to the enix level.

"Ssssssssssssssssssssssssssss sssssssssssssssure, SpongeBob. SpongeBob... Sponge. BOB."

SpongeBob began a "daha'ah'ah'ah" laugh but then realies that Squidward was make him felt around with his soft squishy tentacles around his cushiony crusty esophagus.

"And you now what turns me ON?!" Squidard say.

"What!" Spongebob say curous and frightn.

Then Squidward squeezed the snot out of him, it was an odd sensation and it show that SpongeBob was his bitch and Squidward was the man in deman.

"Oh! What SANDY CHEEKS you have, boy!" Squidward yelled as he rubbed SpongeBob all arund. He was moving slow, like a slugs, felling all arund the retund form of SponeBob.

"Mow" he herd as if one que. It was Plankton. He looked robotcamised.

"Oh! And I guess here comes MR. BARNACLE!" said Squidward and he grabbed Plankton and gave him a far bigger headache by wrapping him one again his 'barnicle.' Squirdward used his 'barnicle' for inapproxriated things on SpongeBobs spongey body. He explored every hole in unkosher ways and made sure Spongebob was suffer.

"Squi-mmmf! dward-ergh! What IS this?!"

"THIS?!" Squidward gave an insane laff. "You desecrate the only lovemaking I ever make in years and plead ignorace! You ruin my life SpongeBob! You ruin it hard! THIS hard!"

"You made yur...Point!"

"Oh no I haven't. Whats this?" Squidward lifted a lifeseized pineapple and shoved up SpongeBob's ass. "Who lives in a SpongeBob under SquaredPants?"

"Hnnnnnnnnnnnnnng!"

This went on for quiet a while making SpongeBob's life a living tartarus until finally he finished. "Absorbent is he...Absorbent is he!"

_If nautical nonsense be something you wish,_

SpongeBob cried in Squidward's basement. He didnt know what a sex dungeon was but now he was in one and Squidward could be back later to do more and finith the job.  
SpongeBob held the little lobootamiced Planton in his hands and wished upon his forhead to use his head to take them away but it was to no avail.  
SpongeBob was worries about all the cabby patties not being made! This whole cherring up Squidward took mush too longer than expecting.

"Oooh...Sponge BOB!"

SpongeBob looked back to the stairs and seen the visage of shadow menace that his the squid being with a whip that crackled the air! Fear his power, SquarePantsman!

"SpoooooooooooooooooooooongeB aaaaaaaaaaaawb..."

"Oh hi Squidward! You know pineapples don't belong in the...rectum? It doesnt belong there but it was a swell valentines and hey we gotta go or else krabs will be made!"

"Oh I'll give you crabs... A Crabbypattie!"

"Oh! You can made one after all?"

"Yes. It's a new position that'd break your spine IF YOU HAD ONE!" Squidward walked down slowly licking his lips.

"Oh hey you must be very hungary."

"c'mere boy."

"SpongeBob!"

Squidward turn around and some cast of character sandy squirrel patrick ringo and garry went to the rescue!

"Oh, come on!" Squidward farted thru his nose.

Then they brawled, Squidward actually did put up his fight since he was hin "inking" season and his tentacles were enraged and readdy for sponge, "SpongeBob go Krabby Krabs and tell him he'll know what to do!"

"Oh no!" But SpongeBob ran with little Plank Ton in his arms already, he didnt fully answerstand but he went anyway. Behind him was Squirdward like a nuclear disaster after SpongeBob. O and they were both exposed.

"Whats goin on boy?" said krabs "and put on pants ye square lad"

"Oh Mister Krabs, ever had a Valentines go wrong and not what you expect?

"You can say that, I have Moby Dick for a daughtter."

"What was that!" say Moby Dick the daughtter in earshot.

"Nothing, sugarcube."

"Oh dady!" Then she went off to follow her dream of being a technicolor background pony from her favreite show.

"Yikes, like I was saying spit it out boy."

"Well I let Squidward be my valentine and eh hates peoples soi decide to make him like women but he doesn't so I dress women and when I woke up we did things?"

"Seems consexual so far, well I always had my doubts but oh well. But what kind of things?"

"well a lot, we did the think calls sex I think and then he locked me up in the basment and my friends came and plankton was a barnacle, oh and a pineapple was shoved up my rectum and

"What. did you say. BOY." Mr Krabs looked demonic like he relapsed from some repressed child memory.

"Erm. eH shoved pinapples up my rectum?"

"SQquiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiidWaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaard!"

Then claw and tentacle clashed, Krabs cut off a tentacle when the police arrived.

""These arms assaulted this poor boy in unholy ways with a PINEAPPLE, take this tratorous garbitch and let them grow back in jail while he thinks about what he was done to my best man."

The police gave Squidward his rights and he turn to Spongebob deadpan look in his eyes.

"Fuck you, SpongeBob."

_Then drop on the deck and flop like a fish!_

SpongeBob looked forelorn over Squidward's last words so Krabs went up to his um ear I guess.

"Boy whats troubling ye"

"I dont know MrKrabs this Valentines didnt go well for Squidward and I fell bad but what does a 'fuck' mean?

Mr. Krabs thought for a moment. "It means, errrr,... he loves you long time."

Then SpongeBob was euphoric. He only heard curses through blowhorns so he never actually heard the word and it was new to him so he added it to his dicionary literally.  
He now know Valentines was a success, and even so things go back to normal every week everyway so there was never permanence in his world were life is strong and an opn book and compromise does not exist!

"All Hail Judge Flying Doucheman!"

The flyingman took his seat and precider over the room.

"I now rule over you all in this room. Please take in the prisonar. I know not what will happin."

Squidward walked in a ghey strate jacket and was heavily medicated. he sat in his chair giving v-signs and was ready to give peace to oneself and others.

"Hey. I jusst wanna saw I love you all."

Krabs was teary eyed and SpongeBob was beyong happy his Valentines was working nd just what he did expect from his fiendship with Squidward.

"So as I understand the cimrinial in involved with pineapple chucking. That is wuite serious my young man! I know not what will happin."

"Well hey man, it's all good, I'm a peace now and the medinine is worrking, so if you can kindly"

"Oh, hey, Squidwaard!" SpongeBob waved much to Krabs chargin.

"Why hello, little angel, I belive were in due process so why dont you"

"Fuck you!" SpongeBob yelled at him cherrily while Krabs facepinchéd.

"Order, order! I know not what will happin." saying Flying Douchman.

a closeup of a vain popping on the squids face in a gross fashion happen like in the carton. "What did you say you little ass shit!"

SpongeBob did his condecending laugh, "Oh Squidward, I don't have to use the restroom like you! Fuck you! Fuck you a lot! Fuck you, your friends, your family and everything we've been through! Yeah!"

Squidward rawrd like a frightful griffon. Krabs new he did enough he was inwardly sorry for the confucius but had to step in.

"Sirs, as you can see the boy is traumatised and Squidward must to but away safely, he needs mendication, be less near people, and-

"Silence! I know not what will happin."

Squidward and SpongeBob kept talking over each other lauder and lauder, saying things like "Fucky our mother and fuck the dog!". The courtroom was such full of 'fuck' it could even explode. It looks like the end of the episode boys and girls!

_SpongeBob SquarePants!_  
_SpongeBob SquarePants!_  
_SpongeBob SquarePants!_  
_... Robert Stairfax?_

The young boy blinked up to the sea captain with the funny hat and parrot. "Ahoy, Cap'n, fancy meeting you here! We set sail tomorrow?"

The older one discretely looked down on his clipboard and curiously noted something. "Now, 'SpongeBob', why would we do that if you're an undersea sponge?"

The younger of the two did not know how to answer. He just smiled with blank eyes. "Of course! Silly me. Oopsie-doodle, that'd be the end of me!"

When the boy started his now-characteristic high-pitched laughter, the man got irritated and went up to the boy's face.

"Think! Who are you?"

The young boy glanced quizically at his captain. "My name? I'm SpongeBob SquarePants, mister! What's with that face? You're always laughing at me..."

"You...were the brightest and most gifted children I ever knew. What your 'Squidward' did was unfortunate, but you can do nothing but move past it.  
You have a future, young one, that doesn't involve crabby patties or planktons. This is me, pleading to you if there's a semblance of yourself still with us.  
Please..."

"How often are we going to do this song and dance? I'm bored and would like to go back to my world now. Nice seeing you, Cap'n."

The man slumped back in his chair as the boy started humming him out and peering off into a faraway world. "We were so close, child. So close to progress..."  
he lamented as closed his notebook and left the boy alone. Outside the door, the met with the boy's parents. They looked absolutely griefstricken.  
The man shook his head wordlessly. Suddenly, maniacal laugher erupted from the episode in the room. The boy's mother wept harder as her husband comforted her.  
"Is there...nothing we can do? Medicine? Diet? Anything?"

The man paused for a moment before making his solemn statement.

"There is only one thing you can feed that poor boy now. Hope."


End file.
